Behind Every Successful Woman

Behind every successful man, they say, is a woman- It could be a wife (primarily), a mother (often), a girlfriend, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a colleague or a subordinate too. And what about the numerous successful women who have achieved the same success as that of 'successful' men? Actually, if we can do away with those done-to-death parameters for a while, every person is successful in their own way, but let's keep that discussion for some other day!

So, coming back to what started here- who is behind a successful woman? Are there women here who can say that there is a man behind their success. Does a man, any man, have it in himself to contribute selflessly to a woman's success, like a woman does for a man?

Women are inherently wired to put others before themselves, especially when it comes to putting their husbands and children before themselves. Even at workplaces, women find it difficult and even impossible at times to take the lead, to take credit for a task done by a team (which comes to men very naturally) or to boast of their contribution in successful projects, forget about breaking the glass ceiling.They happily stay at the backseat, contributing tirelessly to their workplace, and are even made to feel lesser than their male counterparts who spend longer hours at work (and can do so just because there is a woman 'behind' them).

Who backs the stay-at-home mother who works round the clock, making everything available to every member of the family at the right time, and in perfect measure? Who supports the maids, who wake up at unearthly hours to cook for their families, and then work all day, cleaning other's houses, doing other's laundry and taking care of other's kids? Who is there for the woman who works from home, managing her household chores as well as making some additional income to shoulder the responsibility of the family? Who cares for the women working outside homes as teachers, nurses, drivers, pilots, media executives, municipality workers, high-flying professionals and what not?

A man may be happy for a woman doing well, and may motivate and inspire her to achieve more, but contributing in her day-to-day chores and responsibilities so that she gets some relief? Naah, that is an extremely rare breed. I mean come on, a woman is as tired as a man after spending the entire day working (whether at an office or at home), but a man is entitled to his mother/wife/sister/daughter offering him a cup of coffee or tea when he returns home from work, while a woman is not! (Just imagine a husband/father/brother/son offering tea or coffee to a tired woman - sounds too good to be true, right?) And this is the simplest of examples! How is it that women hardly get the opportunity to pursue their hobbies and passions?

And what are we doing about it? Isn't it extremely important to raise boys to be sensitive to the needs of women around them? They need to be taught that all workload is meant to be shared, and women have to be freed up from unnecessary and unwarranted tasks so that they can also pay attention to their own growth and development- personally, professionally and otherwise too. They have to learn and understand that a woman is as entitled to pursue what she likes and be respected for it as a man is, and that there is nothing wrong with being 'behind' a successful woman.

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The Cherry on Top

There was a time when I was young, brimming with energy, and living as if the world was waiting to be conquered by me. There were parents to take care of all my needs, siblings who were partners in all crimes, cousins who I loved to bits, and very few, but very dear friends who would take a bullet for me. All I had to do was bask in that love and attention. I really had everything-- the cake, the icing, and the cherry on top!

There were many things I dreamt of doing and believed I had all the time in the world for that.

With time, came marriage, followed by motherhood, and things were never the same again, to say it in plain words. Marriage brought its own set of responsibilities, complexities and I discovered new dimensions of life. It did not take much effort to settle into domesticity and take care of things like piles of laundry and soiled dishes and other household chores, albeit with the help of maids!

Then came my kids, one after the other, six years apart. Life became a mad mix of sleepless nights and tiring days. However, there is nothing more captivating than the toothless grin of a toddler, and I happily wiped my children's runny noses, kissed off their bruises, played silly games and sang rhymes with them. With time, I learnt to play Uno, swing racquets, swish beyblades and play everything else my kids played. I enjoyed it all a lot, but hardly ever realised how I lost a bit of myself with every passing day.

The kids soon grew up to be of school going age, one after the other. When my son began going to school for the entire day, I still had my little daughter with me. And then, as she turned 3, she also joined a preschool last year. I was very much looking forward to it, as every bone in my body was tired by then and I believed I needed some time to myself also. However, once she settled in her school routine, I found that it was very difficult to spend those few hours alone.

In my endeavour to make the most of that time, I first began spring cleaning my house. And I kept stumbling upon things that I had packed and stashed away, either so that the kids would not spoil them, or so that I would not get distracted from my children. I found myself saying 'How I loved reading, how I loved music, how I loved trying recipes, how I loved this and how I loved that'.....Loved?? LOVED? Why was it all in past tense? Didn't I love all that now also? Or had I forgotten what I liked and loved? It was evident that I had lost touch with my old self, and everything associated with it.

It was as if I woke up from deep slumber. I knew had to do something about it. And I don't have all the time in the world for that now. I am almost (yes, almost!) 40! And there is still so much that I have not done. And it also dawned upon me that I had actually forgotten some of those things on my to-do list, maybe because I was too absorbed with my kids, or maybe because I am growing old, after all! Though I didn't resent spending all my time and energy on my family, I did resent that I had pressed some 'pause' button on my life.

I knew that only I could help myself. I had to go out of my cocoon and look at the world around. And find a place for myself, not only as someone's wife or someone's mother, but as what I am (or was, or used to be.......whatever!). I knew that this is the only life I have, and I can't let it slip away from my hands like this.

Reading and writing helped me a lot. I read and read- newspapers, magazines, on the net, on my phone, everything I came across. And though whatever I wrote is nothing great, I at least had an outlet for my thoughts and views.


The place I live is a lively and eventful one, which I had not paid any attention to earlier. Interacting with people helped me find new avenues to channelise my time and energy. I was able to revive old friendships and old hobbies. I made new friends and learnt new skills. And all of it went on, one thing leading to another.

And now, almost a year has passed since then. And I have been able to tick quite a few boxes in this one year. The to-do list keeps growing, thanks to my new found hunger to explore. And I have wonderful sisters and friends who encourage me and even accompany me in my quest. I am not only a happier person, but also a more relaxed mother. And thanks to my age, I am more sure of myself, more confident and able to voice my opinion better.

And I find myself saying ' Yeah!! You still have it ALL- the cake, the icing, annnnnd the cherry on top!' 

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A Jhadoo for the Mind

PM Narendra Modi's Swachcha Bharat Abhiyaan is commendable and thankfully, has met with a good response from many parts of the society. There is a lot to be done to clean up our country. And hopefully, we citizens will be able to unite and work in the direction with sincerety.

Though it is a mammoth task, it is not unachievable. United efforts of one billion plus Indians can do it. What seems unachievable, though, is cleaning up of the mentality and mental makeup of the Indian male. The Indian male really needs to spruce up himself. Right from irritating habits like peeing in the open and spitting just anywhere, to shameful acts like leering at every passing girl, to horrendous crimes like raping a two-year old, the Indian male is doing it all, uanbashedly. And there seems to be no solution for this.

Every average Indian male is the most protective father, brother, cousin,boyfriend, husband and son for his daughter, sister, cousin, girlfriend, wife and mother. But the rising number of sexual abuse and sexaul crimes contradicts the image and perecption- after all these offenders are also fathers, brothers, husbands and sons.

Some mindless people point out that women should dress and behave in a certain manner so that men are not provocated to make sexual advances towards them. But how provocative can a little two year and five year old girl be? Are these men provocated or are they sick?

Is there a jhadoo that can clean up the mind of the Indian male? So that he minds his own business instead of policing women about what they should wear, how they should behave and what time they should go out?

Is there a jhadoo that can clean the minds of these psychopaths who scar the chidlhood of a toddler who doesn't even understand what is being done to her? Is there a jhadoo that can clean the fear off the minds of mothers like me who worry and pray for their children's safety everyday? I wish there was....

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Nostalgia and hope

Let me first tell you that I am no fan of daily soaps on the television. But while helping my little daughter with her lunch, which takes really long, I feel the need to watch something and keep myself occupied to that I don't get impatient with my tiny little girl.

And watching Mahabharata at that time (1.30 to 2 in the afternoon) was really good. I remember having seen another version of Mahabharata on TV many years back, but I liked this one because it somehow seems more relevant in the present times, as there was a lot of stress on women-related issues, or maybe I just understood it better, thanks to my age!

However, Mahabharata came to an end and now there is another daily soap in the same time slot, called "Nisha aur Uske Cousins". It tells the story of a Jain family in Jaipur, and how these modern, boisterous bunch of seven cousins carry out their mischiefs and escapades in a joint family of three generations.

The show quite reminds me of my childhood. I have a huge group of cousins and have enjoyed some of the best times of my life with them. My father, the oldest son in his family,  had eight younger brother and sisters  and he made it a point that he stayed attached to his roots and his family. That is what brought us close to our cousins and extended family members.

Though I was not essentially in a joint family, we did experience the joint family life to a large extent. That is because we travelled to our native town in U.P. every year in summer holidays and our maternal house in Madhya Pradesh every Durga Puja vacation, even if it meant travelling in second class coaches of Indian Railways, which had dirty toilets and fans which did not function.

It took a good four to five hours to reach Howrah from our town Haldia via road or local trains. We even covered some distance on 'launches', motor-driven passenger boats, which we could get on only after walking on dangerously thin planks of wood, which had just enough space to keep one foot at a time!

From Howrah, we would get into trains and reach our destination after spending more than a day and night in the train.How we enjoyed those journeys- buying all tidbits from vendors who passed by, drinking tea from kulhars, having that 'pepsi' once in a while! And we read books and played ludo or just slept, climbing to the upper berths in the train.

We were always given a huge welcome- some of the family members would invariably be at the station and when we reached home in rickshaws, we received the warmest of hugs, though we would be stinking like hell!

During vacations, our huge gang enjoyed playing together, eating together, we quarrelled and we made up, we hit each other and cried, we hugged each other and cried, we laughed and we joked, we cycled and we ran- it was one huge party. When the vacations would get over, we would return to Haldia with a heavy heart. During the rest of the year, we wrote letters and sent cards to our cousins, keeping them posted about our lives.

Those visits became less frequent as we grew up and then most of us got married. (There are many to go, yet! Remember, I told you what a huge family it is!) Now we get to meet only during family functions like weddings. Whenever I tell my son about my cousins, he is amazed at the number of mamas and masis he has, and always tells me....'you are so lucky ma!'

Amidst all this nostalgia, I am forced to think that ok, I don't get to meet my cousins that often because we are all busy with our lives....but what about my children? Why don't they get to meet their cousins? In fact, my son knows more about his friends than his cousins.

Isn't it my responsibility to stay attached to my roots and ensure that my children also enjoy that camaraderie and warmth that I enjoyed as a child? Now when we can afford to travel in a much better way than those filthy trains, what is it that keeps us away from our family? Why have I got so lost in my daily grind?

And I am unable to find any believable answer. Though I did not have any expensive gadgets as a child, I had a rich life, enriched with love, care and warmth of my huge family. But in my quest of giving my children a life that is 'better than mine' am I really able to do that? Is their life really better than mine?

Whatever the answer to that may be, I know what I need to do. And I hope I shall be able to do it soon. I hope I shall be able to take my kids to their grandparents' house frequently so that when they grow up, they will have funny incidents of their own to narrate to their kids!

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Bangalore Diaries

‘Twenty rupees for a kilo, aunty’ said the vegetable vendor and I almost snapped at him ‘WHAT?’ To which he replied ‘tomatoes are expensive these days aunty’. An elderly neighbor who was buying vegetables from the same vendor told me that his vegetables were good and he charged reasonable prices, too. I told her that it was not the price of tomatoes but his AUNTY that made me react like this!

There I was, a newly married 26 years-old, and he, clearly in his forties, calling me Aunty! She explained that in Bangalore, that’s the way it is! And soon I learnt that calling all married women Aunty is not the only peculiar thing about Bangalore. There are many other things which are unique to Bangalore and its people.

For example, when you meet a local person, no matter what time of the day it is, the usual greeting is ‘Oota aaitha?’ which means, ‘did you have your meal?’ Even the housekeeping staffs who clean the corridors of our building ask me ‘Madam, kapi (coffee) aitha?’ if they happen to meet me early in the morning!

People here are really too concerned about your well-being, you might wonder. But the reality is far from that. I mean people here are very polite and decent, but don’t expect them to make small talk whenever you meet. Coming from the ‘adda culture’ of West Bengal, I met with not-so-enthusiastic responses when I tried to mingle with my neighbors, and found it somewhat disheartening. However, now I know that this is just the way people over here are- they are not cold or rude, they just keep to themselves!

And the English people speak here- I am yet to come across an Indian town or city which has so many people who speak WRONG English and that too with such conviction! Some examples are – ‘I was pick-upping the phone’ (which means I was picking up the phone), ‘She will always be calling my name’ (which means she calls my name all the time), ‘let me make it hot/cold’ (which means let me heat it/cool it). And I want to know what does ‘co-sister’ and ‘co-brother’ mean? I had never heard these words before I came to this city!

And yes, the famous Bangalore weather! I am sure you have heard people talking about the ‘Europe-like’ weather of Bangalore. It was June when I came to settle in Bangalore. And I saw all bikers wearing jackets, and found it really surprising, considering I come from Haldia, a small coastal town in West Bengal, where summers are hot and punishingly humid. And I thought that these people with jackets were really crazy!

But a few years down the line, I was dressing up my son also in hoodies IN JUNE because you can catch a cold even in June in Bangalore! Early mornings are cold, days are warm and sunny and the nights are cold- It is not just cold, it also rains a lot and is very windy most of the time. Whenever it rains, the winds become stronger and you find trees on the road sides falling – on cars, on people, on adjacent houses- have you ever seen trees fall so frequently in any other city? At least I haven’t!

I have now been in this city for more than a decade and have got pretty used to life here. With impertinent auto-drivers, bad roads, choc-a-bloc traffic, rising pollution on one side and  women with beautiful flowers in their hair, intricate kolams drawn in front of most houses, darshinis serving piping hot kapi and lots of greenery to soothe the eyes on the other side, Bangalore is every bit a charming city with its own quirks and delights. 

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My First Blah!!!

“You must write Didi” said my brother Shashank. He was at my place a few days back, visiting from Pune, on the occasion of Rakshabandhan. “But I am so busy bhai” I told him. He was here for just a day but kept repeating the same words. “I will try for sure”- I had to say when he was leaving. And a week later, I find myself hitting the keyboard in frenzy!

With two kids, a businessman husband who has no fixed working hours and a home to take care of, and a bit of content writing as well, my hands are really full. And yes, my kids are the sunshine of my life, yet I still feel need to have a niche for myself – where I can say things that come to my mind without the fear of setting the wrong example or of being judged or ridiculed. So today the 16^th of August, a day after our Independence Day, I am trying to find some independence for myself!

A tiny slot of time for myself, doing something I love- playing with words, pondering over events and ideas, weaving some dreams, putting thoughts into words and coming up with ways to accomplish my dreams- all of this has brought me here- to the huge world of blogosphere. I hope I will be able to connect with like-minded people, proceed a few steps towards my dream, find suggestions and help on the way and make some friends, too!

And it is not as if I don’t write - a content writer, I have written for many travel firms, healthcare organizations, food and fashion related stuff and a lot more. Sadly, all of it has been ghost writing. Though I get paid for writing all that stuff, none of it is credited to me. The craving to see my name somewhere, to have a teeny-weeny sense of accomplishment even if there isn’t much money in it, and also my brother’s encouragement has led me to write my first blog post today.

The one thing that haunted me was- what should I write about? I am not the perfect housekeeper or the best cook or the geek or the fashionista or the been-there-done-that traveler, but I do have a lot to share. I regularly read a lot of blogs and some were particularly inspiring- I will mention them soon! What they made me realize is that blogging is a great way to connect, share and learn; to become a better person and a more successful individual, too. So I gathered some courage and took the plunge!

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